Lessons from our parents

So I spoke to my mother about blogging a bit on here.  She is interested, but doesn’t have time right now. So I received permission to republish her posts on Bullshido from several years ago.  This was written by her in regards to an incident in 2002.

Here is an outline from a recollection I wrote about a year ago of what transpired in 2002 after a minor sexually related incident that occurred with an instructor that is still there.

  • I had sent TYK an e-mail journal telling her what happened within 8 hours of the occurrence, but she hadn’t received it yet as she had just returned from another “medically related procedure” (plastic surgery in LA. )
  • She called me to her personal residence and proceeded to yell at me relentlessly, accusing me of doing something and not telling her about it. The instructor had obviously already confessed to her. I was accused of being deceitful and not sharing this encounter with her. She called her assistant (COL female instructor), got the journal and verified in fact I had sent her communication. Other than this small sexually oriented infraction I had been totally celibate the entire 8 years I was a student of hers.
  • Disciplining started that night and included the following:
    • Starting near 7pm and lasting until sunrise she disciplined the instructor and I as we kneeled on the hardwood floor in front of her home office desk. Never moving off of our knees the entire time.
    • If either of us tried to adjust our numbing legs, we were yelled at even more relentlessly, so I tried to sit still with head down as much as possible.
    • She ranted, yelled, verbally abused both of us and called us all sorts of vulgar names through out the approximate 12 hours.
    • She chanted endlessly swearing off Satan and other evil spirits both in English and Korean…then she’d yell more….and chant more…and yell more.
    • She threw heavy Crystal glassware, paperweights, large metal objects, books and anything else that was heavy and near her…throwing these things at our heads as we ducked and protected ourselves with our hands. Glass shards surrounded us and at the end of the class the next morning I was expected to pick up all of the glass shards on my hands and knees that surrounded me.
    • Through out the night she would look over at me and say, “….and are you going to share this with others!!!??” As if she dared me and possibly feared that I would tell others of her severe disciplinary actions. “Of course not Ma’am”…I would answer. And haven’t up until a year ago.
  • She then asked us to write down the following things to do as our further discpline.
    • 10 day Fasting – water only for first 7 days, soy milk for next 3 days and then Juk (rice porridge) ceremony to finish off fasting.
    • 100 rebirths every morning in JSW (rebirth-a formal full bow to the ground)….for at least two weeks…I can’t remember exactly how long.
    • Daily Journaling of how I felt about what I had done.
    • After the initial 10 day fast, I was on a several month cereal and soy milk only diet. (You are surrounded by other COL members who are doing surveillance on you and reporting to her…so you do as you’re told to assure any further discipline and you don’t leave to go anywhere without telling at least an instructor). He was my go to person and surveillance person.
    • She then put others in COL who she felt needed to lose weight on the same cereal only diet to cover the questions I was receiving as to why I was on a special program. (Special Programs were known to be doled out only as rewards or punishments.)
    • It was obvious she didn’t want others in COL to know what had happened between the instructor and I even though she put he and I in daily constant contact, working side by side and traveling side by side for years.
    • Stripped me of my JSW belt and demoted two belts, to blue belt. She also never tested me for black belt. I was red belt for many, many years…holding out that black belt as a carrot to assure me to stay another year. She also demoted the instructor from 3rd Dan Black Belt to Red Belt, but interestingly he never took off his black belt in class and was never publicly demoted. Once in awhile for show in front of me alone, she’d ridicule him for going to class with his Black Belt…but she never enforced the punishment for him, nor was he required to eat only cereal and soy milk for months.

I believe she was careful in her punishments towards him that would show in public as she didn’t want to break down the male heirarchy she had created and others looked up to.

And though he’s the one that crossed the line and touched me (though I didn’t stop him), I was the one that got reprimanded for letting him touch me. Yes, only touched…no intercourse…no kissing…no bj….nothing like that. When I told her that it was my belief that she had set the whole thing up (as I truly did believe that from the circumstances), she yelled at me more….telling me I was a liar and manipulator.

Since I’ve left, I have heard that she refers to the situation as “I f…ed him.” Didn’t Happen! Didn’t see it…didn’t touch it.

There were also times that I had worn clothes (slacks and long sleeved knit top) that a male COL member had journaled to her, that it made him sexually fantasize. In front of the entire COL class and once in front of the entire JSW class she berated me for how I dressed. Nothing was low cut or short….we’re talking long pants, normal work style knit top. She said that when I bowed to her, she could tell I was wearing a push-up bra and in front of the entire JSW class embarrassed me making an example of me. YES, we were expected to wear heavy makeup like her….but we were NOT to wear lowcut things or short dresses AT ALL…..as it would create issues amongst our “brothers”. If a man fantasized it was obviously OUR FAULT…ALWAYS. Over a few years I threw out most of my own clothing, which was replaced by tent like dresses and other unflattering clothes she would provide for me. All since gone.

That’s all I can share for now. Those who’ve been there or are there….know the details…it’s not fun…and it’s not easy to explain how you got there and why you stay. Professionals will tell you that it’s mastery in conditioning. If she’s a master of any thing, that’s what she’s a master of…nothing more.

Everyone in there is very intelligent , very talented and very abused.
For those still in there, always know we’re here for you.

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Posted on January 25, 2012, in submissions. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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